Overcoming Doubt
My last post was about doubt and a
little on how to over come it. This time, I want to dig a little
deeper in how one might try and overcome it. To see if I can't flesh
out a process a little more, and maybe help anyone out there that
might be having some issues with self-esteem or doubt. I myself (as
of the time of the writing) recently went through an episode of
depression, doubt, anxiety and fear. It all sort of culminated into
an ugly moment in my life, and I struggled to find my way out of the
darkness.
For most of my life, I have struggled
with self-esteem issues. Always looking at myself as if I was
unworthy or inadequate. Never quite measuring up to the standard of
things, a born failure if you will. I would have my good days, sure,
but they usually proceeded a bad day, which would quickly put a lid
on any optimism I might have acquired during those good times. A
victim of circumstances, always allowing the bad in my life to carry
more weight then the good.
A couple of months ago, I figured
something out about my life. Something that in-fact would change my
whole world. It was like a light-bulb had finally turned on, and I
could see everything more clearly, which allowed me to put my
energies in the right places to help fix my life. It was great!
Everything was clicking. Like I was the guy from the movie
Limitless. I literally became faster, smarter, stronger, happier,
less stressed and fatigued, and I for some reason, didn't need as
much food or sleep to get me through the day, with no ill-effects. I
felt 120% better! Like a whole new person was born.
Of course this was short lived. A week
or two into my new found happiness, when then something happened
(which I wont go into) and suddenly, the walls around my new life
buckled and the ceiling collapsed hard on me. Hitting rock bottom
after climbing so high was very difficult to deal with. I went from
living in a dream world, to living in a nightmare. I was tormented
by fears and doubt, which lead to depression, and depression further
fed the fears. My mind swirled with images and thoughts derived from
these fears. It swallowed my mind, turning it against me. I
couldn't control these thoughts, or push them out of my head. They
even began to wake me in the middle of the night, or prevent me from
sleeping in the first place. It was pretty bad.
All I wanted to do was return to being
happy, feeling confident and full of energy. I figured the best way
to do this was to retrace my steps on how it managed it the first
time. But there was a problem. I suddenly couldn't remember how I
did it. Only bits and pieces of it remained, but most of the path I
took to achieve it vanished from my mind. It was unbelievable to me.
During that great period, only weeks prior, I had spent most of my
waking days just thinking about how good I felt, and even how I
managed it. I even meditated on it, everyday! Yet now, when I
needed it the most, I couldn't remember...
All I remembered about it was, that I
focused on myself above everything else, it involved the subconscious
mind, as well as the Soul, and energy. But now, when I thought about
those things, they felt so distant from me. Like petty wishful
thinking. Even though I remembered not only believing in these
things, but also being aware of them, and feeling them. It was like
I was in touch with some deep part of me. But now, I felt like it
was all an illusion. A trick of the mind I played on myself. Even
though deep down, I knew it wasn't.
So I was trying to juggle retracing my
steps and dealing with my depression at the same time. Trying to
remember how I came to a point in which I was able to reach some deep
place inside me, and begin to turn my negative beliefs around into
positive ones. I spent weeks on it. Everyday dedicating it to just
finding my way again. And everyday, coming up with only the same
bits and pieces that I already knew, and they felt empty. I kept
trying to believe in myself, and looking to the future with hope, but
it did feel hopeless. After a while, it began to stress my body, and
stress developed in the back of my head and neck, which made matters
worse. Finally after a couple of weeks, I began recalling a few more
memories. Like, everything tormenting my mind was just crap. Crap
that needed to be cleared out because it was fear based, and nothing
more. Others included the importance of energy in your physical,
emotional and psychological health.
Finally I began to remember more, and
here is how I did it.
We as a people are conditioned from an
early age to be subjected to the outside world. We get our
happiness, love and confidence from the experiences around us, and it
doesn't need to be that way. I'll give an example. Lets say today
is an average day for you, and you are feeling pretty neutral, not
too good, but not too bad though either. Suddenly, someone comes up
to you and pays you a compliment, one that hits you just right, and
suddenly you are feeling better and happier!
So, why are you feeling better now as
opposed to a few moments before the compliment? It's not that the
person gave you happiness. It's not even that the person is
responsible for your happiness. It was all you. You see, when the
person in the example above, complimented you, YOU responded
internally. It's partially psychological, because we aren't really
taught to be that independent. We are taught to mostly respond to
outside stimulus, and not as much inside stimulus. Even though that
feeling of happiness was always within you. I mean, it came from
you, right? It had to be in there to be felt and experienced in the
first place, right?
So if that feeling, or any feeling you
want for that matter, is already inside of you, why can't we call
them up on demand when we want them? Because we are conditioned to
be responsive to the outside world, not the inside world. However,
if you focus a bit more on responding to yourself, and less on the
outside world, you could feel as you wish, all the time. It's a
matter of reevaluating where you should put the most authority in
your life. Why can't YOU make YOU feel happier? What
could possibly be standing in the way?
Maybe believe in yourself? Perhaps you
respond to others more then yourself because you believe in them more
then you? Ever ask yourself why that might be the case? Maybe
because everyone else looks to them (figuratively speaking) or others
as an authority, so perhaps you should too? Then again, it was
probably 'them' that convinced you to trust 'them' over yourself in
the first place.
So it just becomes a matter of learning
to respond to yourself a bit more. Learn to feel happier because you
want to. Not needing something outside yourself to accomplish it,
because it's already within you in the first place, or else you
couldn't experience it. Once you begin to respond to yourself, you
will begin to believe in yourself, and you will feel like your
thoughts and feelings matter the most to you, and you will have
authority over your own life. You will feel centered and grounded in
yourself.
Once you pop the lid, things really
begin to pour. You may even start to challenge other negative
beliefs. Start asking yourself why you can't feel smarter, or
calmer, or have more energy to do things, or anything you want
really. You could start changing everything you don't like about
yourself. You are effectively a walking psycho-energetic being, and
everything is energy. So imagine what you could do if you could
change your mind around, and spend all that energy on positively
reinforcing yourself. Why not, right? After all, it is your life.
Meditation helps wonders with this too.
Although, the prospect of sitting still while contemplating yourself
may not sound all the thrilling, it does allow you to focus your mind
on just the task at hand with no other distractions, so you can dig
deeply into yourself and turn things around. You aim is to simply
get yourself to respond to yourself, on as deep of a level as you
can. Don't stress over it, stay as relaxed as possible, and you
begin to notice as you do this that you are almost talking to
yourself on a deep level. I kind of looked at it as giving myself
therapy. And after a while, meditation became quite pleasant,
because I was responding to myself more and I could then make
meditation feel however I wanted it to feel. Even being able to tell
aches and pains to go away, because I held a connection with some
deeper part of me.
Anyways,
I hope this was at least mildly
helpful.
Hope you enjoyed!
Later...
